Love, Romance and Marriage

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I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months -- I don't like to interrupt her. 

I'm not cheap, but I am on special this week.

If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?

My wife told me I should be more affectionate, so I got two girlfriends. 

Marriage is Grand, Divorce is twenty Grand. 

Drink 'til she's cute, but stop before the wedding 

Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. 
Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience. 

If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.

I have learned that if you upset your wife she nags you. If you upset her even more you get the silent treatment. 
Don't you think it's worth the extra effort?

When your wife asks, "Do I look fat?" The correct response is, "Do I look stupid?"

When she told me I was average, she was just being mean.

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met 

Three rings of marriage: The engagement ring, the wedding ring, and the suffering. 

I did an unbelievable amount of work in the yard. 
It's amazing what you can do when your wife puts your mind to it. 

Roses are red, violets are blue, I once thought I was ugly, until I saw you!

A man's got to do what a man's got to do. A woman must do what he can't

I asked my wife, 'On a scale of one to ten, how do you rate me as a lover?' 
She said, 'You know I'm no good at fractions

Men with pierced ears are the best candidates for romance... They have experienced pain, and they have bought jewellery

Women shouldn't have children after 35. Really...35 children should be enough for anybody.

The best way to end an argument is to make love. This that will certainly revolutionize the game of hockey!

A friend of mine is marrying a doctor she met when she went in for X-rays. - I wonder what he saw in her

Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all

The worst thing about being the best man at a wedding? You never get a chance to prove it!"

Why can't women remember to put the toilet lid back up!?

There is one thing more exasperating than a spouse who can cook and won't, 
and that's a spouse who can't cook and will

I can't understand why I should give cut crystal glassware as wedding gifts to guys who I knew only yesterday as Snot Boy."

My wife suggested a book for me to read to enhance our relationship. 
It's titled: 'Women are from Venus, Men are Wrong.'

Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.

No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes.

When a man opens the car door for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: either the car or the wife is new

A guy came home to his wife and said to her: "Guess what? I've found a great job. 
A 10 am start, 2 pm finish, no over- time, no weekends and it pays $600 a week!"
"That's great," his wife said. "Yeah, I thought so too," he agreed. "You start Monday."

A guy knows he's in love when he loses interest in his car for a couple of days.

I've never understood why women love cats.
Cats are independent, they don't listen, they don't come in when you call,
they like to stay out all night, and when they're home they like to be left alone and sleep.
In other words, every quality that women hate in a man, they love in a cat.

I wouldn't mind being the last man on Earth - just to see if all of those girls were telling me the truth

When I eventually met Mr. Right I had no idea that his first name was Always."

I know what men want. Men want to be really, really close to someone who will leave them alone

Men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry

Men are like fine wine. They all start out like grapes, and it's our job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until
they mature into something which you'd like to have dinner with

I married my wife for her looks...but not the ones she's been giving me lately

Everybody keeps saying that women are smarter than men, but did you ever see a man wearing a shirt that buttons down the back?

I've been on so many blind dates, I should get a free dog

The average woman would rather have beauty than brains because the average man can see better than he can think

I've never understood why women love cats. Cats are independent, they don't listen, they don't come in when you call,
they like to stay out all night, and when they're home they like to be left alone and sleep. 
In other words, every quality that women hate in a man, they love in a cat.

Men have simple needs. They can survive the whole weekend with only three things:
beer, boxer shorts and batteries for the remote control

"I don't understand why people keep saying marriage is doomed.  All of mine worked out

What is a wedding? Webster's Dictionary defines a wedding as 'The process of removing weeds from one's garden.'

The only time a woman really succeeds in changing a man is when he's a baby.

I've been in love with the same woman for forty-one years. If my wife finds out, she'll kill me. -- Henny Youngman

"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships."
Sharon Stone

"Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is." 
Barbara Bush

Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place.
Billy Crystal

Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just give her a house.
Rod Stewart

"My girlfriend always laughs during sex - no matter what she's reading."
Steve Jobs

Men are from earth. Women are from  earth. Deal with it.

No husband has ever been shot while  doing the dishes.

IF MEN RULED THE WORLD...

Any fake phone number a girl gave you would automatically forward your call to her real number.
Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed an acceptable response To "I love you."
Hallmark would make "Sorry, what was your name again?" cards.
When your girlfriend really needed to talk to you during the game, she'd appear in a little box in the corner of the screen during a time-out.
Each year, your raise would be pegged to the fortunes of the NFL Team of your choice.
The funniest guy in the office would get to be CEO.
At the end of the workday, a whistle would blow and you'd jump out your window and slide down the tail of a bronto-saurus and right into your car like Fred Flintstone.
It'd be considered harmless fun to gather 30 friends, put on horned helmets, and go pillage a nearby town.
Tanks would be far easier to rent.
Instead of beer belly, you'd get "beer biceps."
Instead of an expensive engagement ring, you could present your wife-to-be with a giant foam hand that said, "You're #1!"
Valentine's Day would be moved to February 29th so it would only occur in leap years. (Wouldn't help -- you STILL wouldn't remember!)

MALE OR FEMALE?

SWISS ARMY KNIFE -- male, because even though it appears useful for a wide variety of work, 
it spends most of its time just opening bottles.

KIDNEYS -- female, because they always go to the bathroom in pairs.

TYRE -- male, because it goes bald and is often over-inflated.

WEB PAGE -- female, because it is always getting hit on.

SHOE -- male, because it is usually unpolished, with its tongue hanging out.

PHOTOCOPIER -- female, because once turned off, it takes a while to warm up again,
and only when the right buttons are pushed.

HAMMER -- male, because it hasn't evolved much over the last 5,000 years, but it's handy to have around.

REMOTE CONTROL -- Definitely female, because it gives men pleasure; he'd be lost without it, 
and while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying

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